PS, I Love You: A Novel Page 23

  “Oh, don’t worry about it.” She waved her hand at her dismissively.

  “No, don’t be silly, I couldn’t let you pay for it. How much, honestly?”

  The woman beside her grabbed the menu and started adding up the price of all the meals they had bought. There had been so many and Holly had only picked at her own and had even avoided eating a starter so she could afford it.

  “Well, it works out as about fifty each, and that’s including all the wine and bottles of champagne.”

  Holly gulped and stared down at the thirty euro in her hand.

  Daniel grabbed her hand and pulled her up. “Come on, let’s go, Holly.”

  She opened her mouth to make the excuse of not bringing as much money as she thought, but when she opened the palm of her hand and looked at the money, there appeared to be an extra twenty.

  She smiled at Daniel gratefully and they both headed out to the car.

  They sat in the car in silence, both thinking about what had happened that night. She wanted to feel happy for her friends, really she did, but she couldn’t shake off the feeling of being left behind. Everyone else’s lives were moving on except hers.

  Daniel pulled up outside her house. “Do you want to come in for a tea or coffee or anything?” She was sure he would say no and was shocked when he undid his seat belt and accepted her offer. She really liked Daniel, he was very caring and fun to be with, but right now she just wanted to be alone.

  “That was some night, wasn’t it?” he said, taking a sip of his coffee. Holly just shook her head with disbelief. “Daniel, I have known those girls practically all of my life, and I did not see any of that coming.”

  “Well, if it makes you feel any better, I’ve known Tom for years too and he didn’t mention a thing.”

  “Although Sharon wasn’t drinking when we were away,” she hadn’t listened to a word Daniel had said, “and she did throw up a few mornings, but she said it was seasickness …” She trailed off and her brain went into overdrive as things started to add up.

  “Seasickness?” Daniel asked, confused.

  “After our near-death experience,” she explained.

  “Oh, right.”

  This time neither of them laughed.

  “It’s funny,” he said, settling down into the couch. Oh no, Holly thought; he’s never going to leave the house now.

  “The lads always said that myself and Laura would be the first to get married,” he continued. “I just didn’t think that Laura would be getting married before me.”

  “She’s getting married?” Holly asked gently.

  He nodded and looked away. “He used to be a friend of mine, too,” he laughed bitterly.

  “Obviously he’s not anymore.”

  “Nope,” he shook his head. “Obviously not.”

  “Sorry to hear that,” she said genuinely.

  “Ah well, we all get our fair share of bad luck. You know that better than anyone.”

  “Huh, fair share,” she repeated.

  “I know, there’s nothing fair about it, but don’t worry, we’ll have our good luck too.”

  “You think?”

  “I hope.”

  They sat in silence for another while and Holly watched the clock. It was five past twelve. She really needed to get him out of the house so she could open the envelope.

  He read her mind. “So how’re the messages from above going?”

  Holly sat forward and placed her mug down on the table. “Well, I’ve another one to open tonight actually. So …” She looked at him.

  “Oh right,” he said, jumping to attention. He sat up quickly and put his mug down on the table. “I better leave you at it so.”

  Holly bit her lip, feeling guilty at ushering him out so quickly, but she was also relieved he was finally going.

  “Thanks a million for the lift, Daniel,” she said, following him to the door.

  “No problem at all.” He quickly grabbed his coat from the banister and headed out the door. They gave each other a quick hug.

  “See you soon,” she said, feeling like a right bitch, and watched him walk down to his car in the rain. She waved him off and her guilt immediately faded as soon as she closed the door. “Right Gerry,” she said as she headed toward the kitchen and picked up the envelope from the table. “What have you got in store for me this month?”

  Thirty-one

  HOLLY HELD THE TINY ENVELOPE tightly in her hands and glanced up at the clock on the wall over the kitchen table. It was twelve-fifteen. Usually Sharon and Denise would have called her by now, all excited to hear about what was inside the envelope. But so far neither of them had called. It seemed news of an engagement and a pregnancy beat the news of a message from Gerry these days. Holly scorned herself for being so bitter; she wanted to be happy for her friends, she wanted to be back in the restaurant right now celebrating their good news with them like the old Holly would have done. But she couldn’t bring herself even to smile for them.

  She was jealous of them and their good fortune. She was angry with them for moving on without her. Even in the company of friends she felt alone; in a room of a thousand people she would feel alone. But mostly when she roamed the rooms of her quiet house she felt so alone.

  She couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt truly happy, when somebody or something caused her to laugh so hard her stomach pained her and her jaw ached. She missed going to bed at night with absolutely nothing on her mind, she missed enjoying eating food instead of it becoming something she just had to endure in order to stay alive, she hated the butterflies she got in her tummy every time she remembered Gerry. She missed enjoying watching her favorite television programs instead of their just becoming something she would stare at blankly to pass the hours. She hated feeling like she had no reason to wake up; she hated the feeling when she did wake up. She hated the feeling of having no excitement or anything to look forward to. She missed the feeling of being loved, of knowing Gerry was watching her as she watched television or ate her dinner. She missed sensing his eyes on her as she entered a room; she missed his touches, his hugs, his words of advice, his words of love.

  She hated counting down the days till she could read another one of his messages because they were all she had left of him, and after this one there would be only three more. And she hated to think of what her life might be like when there would be no more Gerry. Memories were fine, but you couldn’t touch them, smell them or hold them. They were never exactly as the moment had been, and they faded with time.

  So damn Sharon and Denise, they could go on with their happy lives, but for the next few months all Holly had was Gerry. She wiped a tear from her face, tears had become such a permanent feature on her face the past few months, and she slowly opened her seventh envelope.

  Shoot for the moon, and if you miss you’ll still be among the stars.

  Promise me you will find a job you love this time!

  PS, I love you …

  Holly read and reread the letter, trying to discover how it made her feel. She had been dreading going back to work for such a long time now, had believed that she wasn’t ready to move on, that it was too soon. But now she knew she had no choice. It was time. And if Gerry said it was to be, it would be. Holly’s face broke into a smile. “I promise, Gerry,” she said happily. Well, it was no holiday to Lanzarote, but at least it was one step further to getting her life back on track. She studied his writing for a long time after reading it, as she always did, and when she was satisfied with the fact she had analyzed every word, she rushed over to the kitchen drawer, took out a notepad and pen and began to write her own list of possible jobs.

  LIST OF POSSIBLE JOBS

  FBI Agent?—Am not American. Do not want to live in America. Have no police experience.

  Lawyer—Hated school. Hated studying. Do not want to go to college for ten million years.

  Doctor—Ugghh.

  Nurse—Unflattering uniforms.

  Waitress—Would eat all t
he food.

  Professional people-spotter—Nice idea, but no one would pay me.

  Beautician—Bite my nails and wax as rarely as possible. Do not want to see areas of other people’s bodies.

  Hairdresser—Would not like boss like Leo.

  Retail assistant—Would not like boss like Denise.

  Secretary—NEVER AGAIN.

  Journalist—Cont spill properly enuff. Ha-ha, should be comedienne.

  Comedienne—Reread last joke. Wasn’t funny.

  Actress—Could not possibly outdo my wonderful performance in the critically acclaimed “Girls and the City.”

  Model—Too small, too fat, too old.

  Singer—Rethink idea of comedienne (number 12).

  Hotshot businesswoman in control of life—Hmm … Must do research tomorrow …

  Holly finally collapsed onto her bed at three in the morning and dreamed of being a big hotshot advertising woman making a presentation in front of a huge conference table on the top floor of a skyscraper overlooking Grafton Street. Well, he did say aim for the moon … She woke up early that morning excited from her dreams of success, had a quick shower, beautified herself and walked down to her local library to look up jobs on the Internet.

  Her heels made a loud noise on the wooden floor as she walked across the room to the librarian’s desk, which caused several people to look up from their books and stare at her. She continued clattering across the huge room and her face blushed as she realized everyone was watching her. She slowed down immediately and started to tiptoe so as not to attract any more attention. She felt like one of the cartoon characters on TV that hugely exaggerated their tiptoeing, and her face flared up even more when she realized she must have looked like a complete idiot. A couple of schoolkids dressed in their uniforms who were obviously playing truant for the day sniggered together as she made her way past their table. Holly stopped her weird walk halfway between the door and the librarian’s desk and tried to decide what to do next.

  “Shush!” The librarian scowled over at the schoolkids. More people looked up from their books to watch the woman standing in the middle of the room. She decided to keep on walking and quickened her pace. Her heels clicked loudly on the floor and echoed around the room and the sound got faster and faster as she raced to the desk in order to end this humiliation.

  The librarian looked up and smiled and tried to appear surprised to see someone standing at the counter. As if she hadn’t heard Holly thudding across the room.

  “Hi,” Holly whispered quietly, “I was wondering if I could use the Internet.”

  “Excuse me?” The librarian spoke normally and moved her head closer to Holly so she could hear.

  “Oh,” Holly cleared her throat, wondering what happened to having to whisper in libraries, “I was wondering if I could use the Internet.”

  “No problem, they’re just over there,” she smiled, directing her over to the row of computers on the far side of the room. “It’s five euro for every twenty minutes online.”

  Holly handed over her last ten euro. It was all she had managed to take out of her bank account that morning. She had kept a long line of people waiting behind her at the ATM machine as she worked her way down from one hundred euro to ten as the ATM embarrassingly beeped every time she entered a sum of money to let her know she had “insufficient funds.” She couldn’t believe that was all she had left, but it had given her even more reason to go job-hunting immediately.

  “No no,” the librarian said, handing back her money, “you can pay when you finish.”

  Holly stared across the floor to the computers. She would have to make another big noise just to get there. She took a deep breath and raced over, passing rows and rows of tables. Holly nearly laughed at the sight of everyone; it was almost like dominos as she passed, each head arose from a book to stare at her. Finally she reached the computers and realized that there were none free. She felt like she had just lost a game of musical chairs and that everyone was laughing at her. This was getting ridiculous. She raised her hands angrily at them as if to say, “What are you all looking at?” and they quickly buried their heads in their books again.

  Holly stood in the center of the floor between the rows of tables and computers, drummed her fingers on her handbag and looked around. Her eyes nearly popped out of her head as she spotted Richard tapping away on one of the computers. She tiptoed over to him and touched him on the shoulder. He jumped with fright and swirled around in his chair.

  “Hiya,” she whispered.

  “Oh hello, Holly, what are you doing here?” he said uneasily, as though she had caught him doing something naughty.

  “I’m just waiting for a computer,” she explained. “I’m finally looking for a job,” she said proudly. Even saying the words made her feel like less of a vegetable.

  “Oh right.” He turned to face his computer and shut down the screen. “You can use this one so.”

  “Oh no, you don’t have to rush for me!” she said quickly.

  “Not at all. I was just doing some research for work.” He stood up from his chair and made room for her to sit down.

  “All the way over here?” she said, surprised. “Don’t they have computers in Blackrock?” she joked. She wasn’t quite sure what exactly it was that Richard did for a living, and it would seem rude to ask him after he’d worked there more than ten years. She knew it involved wearing a white coat, wandering around a lab and dropping colorful substances into test tubes. Holly and Jack had always said he was making a secret potion to rid the world of happiness. She felt bad now for ever saying that. While Holly couldn’t imagine ever being truly close to Richard, and he would probably always drive her crazy, she was coming to realize he had his good qualities. Like giving her his space at the library computer, for one.

  “My work brings me everywhere,” Richard joked awkwardly.

  “Shush!” the librarian said loudly. Holly’s audience once again looked up from their books. Oh, so now she was supposed to whisper, Holly thought angrily.

  Richard said a quick good-bye, made his way over to pay at the desk and slipped quietly out of the room.

  Holly sat down at the computer and the man beside her smiled strangely at her. She smiled back and glimpsed nosily at his computer screen. She looked away quickly and nearly gagged at the sight of the porn on his screen. He continued to stare at her with a scary smile on his face while Holly ignored him and became engrossed in her job-hunting.

  Forty minutes later she shut down the computer happily, made her way to the librarian and placed her ten euro on the desk. The woman tapped away on the computer and ignored the money on the counter. “That’s fifteen euro, please.”

  Holly gulped as she looked down at her note, “But I thought you said it was five for twenty minutes.”

  “Yes, that’s right,” she smiled at her.

  “But I was only online for forty minutes.”

  “Actually, you were on for forty-four minutes, which cuts into the extra twenty minutes,” she said, consulting her computer.

  Holly giggled, “But that’s only a few minutes more. It’s hardly worth five euro.”

  The librarian just continued to smile back at her.

  “So you expect me to pay?” Holly asked, surprised.

  “Yes, that’s the rate.”

  Holly lowered her voice and moved her head closer to the woman. “Look, this is really embarrassing, but I actually only have the ten on me now. Is there any way I can come back with the rest later on today?”

  The librarian shook her head. “I’m sorry, but we can’t allow that. You need to pay the entire amount.”

  “But I don’t have the entire amount,” Holly protested.

  The lady stared back blankly.

  “Fine,” Holly huffed, taking out her mobile.

  “Sorry, but you can’t use that in here.” She pointed to the no mobile phones sign on the counter.

  Holly looked up slowly at her and counted to five in her head.
“If you won’t let me use my phone, well then I can’t phone somebody for help. If I can’t phone somebody, then they can’t come down here to give me the money. If they don’t come down here with the money, well then I can’t pay you. So we have a little problem here, don’t we?” she raised her voice.

  The lady shuffled nervously from foot to foot.

  “Can I go outside to use the phone?”

  The lady thought about the dilemma. “Well, usually we don’t allow people to leave the premises without paying, but I suppose I can make an exception.” She smiled and then added quickly, “As long as you stand just in front of the entrance there.”

  “Where you can see me?” Holly said sarcastically.

  The lady nervously shuffled papers below the counter and pretended to go back to work.

  Holly stood outside the door and thought about who to call. She couldn’t call Denise and Sharon. Although they would probably rush home from work for her, she didn’t want them to know about her failures in life now that they were both so blissfully happy. She couldn’t call Ciara because she was on a day shift at Hogan’s pub, and seeing as Holly already owed Daniel twenty euro, she didn’t think it would be wise to call her sister away from work for the sake of five euro. Jack was back teaching at the school, Abbey was too, Declan was at college and Richard wasn’t even an option.

  Tears rolled down her face as she scrolled down through the list of names in her phone book. The majority of people in her phone hadn’t even called her since Gerry had died, which meant she had no other friends to call. She turned her back on the librarian so she wouldn’t see that she was upset. What should she do? How embarrassing her situation was to actually have to call somebody to ask for five euro. It was even more humiliating that she had absolutely nobody to call. But she had to or the snotty librarian would probably call the police on her. She dialed the first number that came into her head.