PS, I Love You: A Novel Page 30

  Just not when I’m with you, she thought. “I just don’t have a very big appetite, that’s all.”

  “Yeah, well, I’ve seen rabbits eat more than you do,” he laughed.

  Holly tried to control the conversation, steering it into safe territory, and they spent the evening talking about the launch party. She wasn’t in the mood for discussing their private feelings and thoughts tonight; she wasn’t even quite sure what exactly they were right then. Daniel had kindly brought a copy of the press release so that Holly could look through it in advance and get to work on it as soon as possible. He also gave her a list of phone numbers for the people working on Blue Rock so that Holly could get a few quotes. He was extremely helpful, giving her tips on what angle to take and who to talk to for more information. She left the restaurant feeling a lot less panicked about having to write the article; however, she felt a little more panicked about why she had been so uncomfortable with a man that she was certain only wanted to be her friend. She was also still starving after eating only a few lettuce leaves.

  She stepped outside of the restaurant for a breath of fresh air while Daniel kindly paid the bill. He was an extremely generous man, there was no denying that, and she was glad of his friendship. It just didn’t feel quite right for her to be eating in a small intimate restaurant with anyone other than Gerry. She felt all wrong. She should be at home right now sitting at her kitchen table waiting until twelve o’clock so that she could open her October letter from Gerry.

  She froze and tried to hide her face as she spotted a couple walking toward her that she really did not wish to see. She bent over to pretend to tie her shoelace until she realized she had worn her zip-up boots that day and ended up embarrassingly fumbling with the ends of her trousers.

  “Holly, is that you?” she heard the familiar voice. She stared at the two pairs of shoes standing in front of her and slowly looked up to meet their eyes.

  “Hello there!” She tried to sound surprised while nervously steadying herself to her feet.

  “How are you?” the woman asked, giving her a feeble hug. “What are you doing standing out here in the cold?”

  Holly prayed that Daniel stayed inside for another while longer. “Oh, you know … I was just having a bite to eat,” she smiled shakily, pointing at the restaurant.

  “Oh, we’re just about to go in there,” the man said, smiling. “It’s a shame we just missed you, we could have eaten together.”

  “Yes, yes it’s a shame …”

  “Well, good for you anyway,” the woman said, patting her on the back. “It’s good to get out and do things on your own.”

  “Well, actually …” She glanced at the door again, praying that it wouldn’t open. “Yes, it’s nice to do that …” She trailed off.

  “There you are!” Daniel laughed, stepping outside. “I thought you had run off on me.” He wrapped his arm loosely around her shoulders.

  Holly smiled at him weakly and turned to face the couple.

  “Oh sorry, I didn’t see you there.” Daniel smiled, turning to face them.

  The couple stared back at him stonily.

  “Eh … Daniel, this is Judith and Charles. They’re Gerry’s parents.”

  Forty

  HOLLY PRESSED DOWN ON HER car horn heavily and cursed at the driver in front of her. She was fuming. She was mad at herself for being caught in such a situation. She was mad at herself for feeling that she had been caught in a bad situation when really there was nothing to it. But she was even angrier at herself for feeling like there was more to it because she had really enjoyed Daniel’s company all evening. And she shouldn’t be enjoying herself because it didn’t feel right, but it had felt so right at the time …

  She held her hand up to her head and massaged her temples. She had a headache and she was overanalyzing things again and the stupid traffic all the way home was driving her insane. Poor Daniel, she thought sadly. Gerry’s parents had been so rude to him and had ended the conversation abruptly and charged into the restaurant, refusing to make eye contact with Holly. Oh, why did they have to see her the one time she was happy? They could have come around to the house any day of the week to see her feeling miserable and living the life of the perfect grieving widow. They would have been happy then. But they hadn’t, and now they probably thought she was having a great life without their son. Well, screw them, she thought angrily, pushing down on the horn again. Why did it always take people five minutes to move from the traffic lights when they went green?

  She stopped at every single set of traffic lights she met, and all she wanted to do was to go home and throw a tantrum in the privacy of her own home. She picked up her mobile and called Sharon, knowing she would understand.

  “Hello?”

  “Hi John, it’s Holly, can I speak to Sharon?” she said.

  “Sorry Holly, she’s asleep. I would wake her for you but she’s been absolutely exhausted—”

  “No, don’t worry,” she interrupted. “I’ll call her tomorrow.”

  “Is it important?” he asked, worried.

  “No,” she said quietly. “It’s not important at all.” She hung up and immediately dialed Denise’s number.

  “Hello?” Denise giggled.

  “Hiya,” Holly said.

  “Are you OK?” Denise giggled again. “Tom, stop!” she whispered, and Holly quickly realized she had called at a bad time.

  “Yeah, I’m fine. I just called for a chat but I can hear you’re busy there,” she forced a laugh.

  “OK then, I’ll call tomorrow, Hol.” She giggled again.

  “OK then, b—” Holly didn’t even get to finish her sentence as Denise had hung up.

  She sat at the traffic light lost in thought until loud beeps behind her caused her to jump and press her foot down on the accelerator.

  She decided to go to her parents’ house and talk to Ciara, as she would cheer her up. Just as she pulled up outside the house, she remembered Ciara was no longer there and her eyes filled with tears. Once again she had nobody.

  She rang the doorbell and Declan answered.

  “What’s wrong with you?”

  “Nothing,” she said, feeling sorry for herself. “Where’s Mum?”

  “In the kitchen with Dad talking to Richard. I’d leave them alone for a bit.”

  “Oh … ok …” She felt lost. “What are you up to?”

  “I’m just watching what I filmed today.”

  “Is this for the documentary on homelessness?”

  “Yeah, do you wanna watch it?”

  “Yeah.” She smiled gratefully and settled herself down on the couch. A few minutes into the video and Holly was in tears, but for once they weren’t for herself. Declan had done an incisive, heartrending interview with a remarkable man who was living on the streets of Dublin. She realized there were people far worse off than she, and the fact that Gerry’s parents had bumped into her and Daniel walking out of a restaurant seemed like such a stupid thing to worry about.

  “Oh Declan, that was excellent,” she said, drying her eyes when it had finished.

  “Thanks,” he said quietly, taking the video out of the player and packing it in his bag.

  “Are you not happy with it?”

  He shrugged his shoulders. “When you end up spending the day with people like that it’s kind of hard to be happy about the fact that what he has to say is so bad that it’s making a great documentary. So therefore the worse off he is, the better off I am.”

  Holly listened with interest. “No, I don’t agree with that, Declan. I think that you filming this will make a difference to him. People will see it and want to help.”

  Declan just shrugged. “Maybe. Anyway I’m going to bed now, I’m absolutely knackered.” He picked up his bag and kissed her on the top of her head as he passed, which really touched Holly. Her baby brother was growing up.

  Holly glanced at the clock on the mantelpiece and noticed it was almost twelve. She reached for her bag and took out the
October envelope from Gerry. She dreaded the days when there would be no more letters. After all, there were only two left after this. She ran her fingers over the writing once again and tore the seal open. Holly slid the card out of the envelope and a dried flower that had been pressed between two cards fell onto her lap. Her favorite, a sunflower. Along with it, a small pouch had landed on her lap. She studied it with curiosity and realized it was a packet of sunflower seeds. Her hands shook as she touched the delicate petals, not wanting them to snap between her fingers. His message read:

  A sunflower for my sunflower. To brighten the dark October days you hate so much. Plant some more, and be safe in the knowledge a warm and bright summer awaits.

  PS, I love you …

  PPS, Could you please pass this card on to John?

  Holly lifted the second card that had fallen on to her lap and read the words through her tears and laughter.

  To John,

  Happy 32nd birthday. You’re getting old, my friend, but I hope you have many, many more birthdays. Enjoy life and take care of my wife and Sharon. You’re the man now!

  Lots of Love, your friend Gerry

  PS, Told you I’d keep my promise.

  Holly read and reread every single word Gerry had written. She sat on that couch for what seemed like hours and thought about how happy John would be to hear from his friend. She thought about how much her life had changed over the past few months. Her working life had definitely improved significantly, and she was proud of herself for sticking at it; she loved the feeling of satisfaction she got each day when she switched off her computer and left the office. Gerry had pushed her to be brave; he had encouraged her to want a job that meant more to her in life than just a paycheck. She wouldn’t have needed to search for those extra things if Gerry were still with her. Life without him was emptier, leaving more room for herself. She’d exchange it all to have Gerry back.

  That wasn’t an option. She needed to start thinking about herself and her own future. Because there was no one else to share the responsibilities with her anymore.

  Holly wiped her eyes and stood up from the couch. She felt a new bounce in her step and she couldn’t wipe the grin off her face. She tapped lightly on the kitchen door.

  “Come in,” Elizabeth called.

  Holly stepped in and looked around at her parents and Richard sitting at the table with cups of tea in their hands.

  “Oh hello, love,” her mum said, happily getting up to give her a hug and a kiss. “I didn’t hear you come in.”

  “I’ve been here about an hour. I was just watching Declan’s documentary.” Holly beamed at her family and felt like giving them all a hug.

  “It’s great, isn’t it?” Frank said, standing up to greet his eldest daughter with a hug and a kiss.

  Holly nodded and joined them at the table. “Have you found a job yet?” she asked Richard.

  He shook his head sadly and looked as though he were going to cry.

  “Well, I did.”

  He looked at her disgusted that she could say such a thing. “Well, I know you did.”

  “No Richard,” she smiled. “I mean I got you a job.”

  He looked up at her in surprise. “You what?”

  “You heard me,” she grinned. “My boss will be calling you tomorrow.”

  His face fell. “Oh Holly, that’s very nice of you indeed, but I have no interest in advertising. My interest is in science.”

  “And gardening.”

  “Yes, I like gardening.” He looked confused.

  “So that’s why my boss will be calling you. To ask you to work on his garden. I told him you’ll do it for five thousand; I hope that’s OK.” She smiled at him as his mouth dropped open.

  He was completely speechless so Holly kept on talking.

  “And here’s your business cards,” she said, handing him a large pile of cards that she had printed up that day.

  Richard and her parents picked up the cards and read them in silence.

  Suddenly Richard started laughing, jumped out of his chair pulling Holly with him, and danced her around the kitchen while her parents looked on and cheered.

  “Oh, by the way,” Richard said, calming down and glancing at the card again, “you spelled ‘gardener’ wrong. It’s not ‘gardner,’ it is ‘gard-en-er.’” He spoke slowly. “See the difference?”

  Holly stopped dancing and sighed with frustration.

  Forty-one

  “OK, THIS IS THE LAST one, I promise, girls!” Denise called as her bra was sent flying over the changing room door.

  Sharon and Holly groaned and collapsed onto their chairs again.

  “You said that an hour ago,” Sharon complained, kicking off her shoes and massaging her swollen ankles.

  “Yeah, but I mean it this time. I have a really good feeling about this dress,” Denise said, full of excitement.

  “You said that an hour ago too,” Holly grumbled, resting her head back on the chair and closing her eyes.

  “Don’t you go falling asleep on me now,” Sharon warned Holly, and her eyes immediately shot open.

  They had been dragged to every single wedding gown boutique in the city and Sharon and Holly were exhausted, irritated and extremely fed up. Whatever excitement they had felt for Denise and her wedding had been drained from their systems as Denise tried on dress after dress. And if Holly heard Denise’s irritating squeals one more time she would …

  “Oooh, I love it!” Denise shrieked.

  “OK, here’s the plan,” Sharon whispered to Holly. “If she walks out of there looking like a meringue sitting on a bicycle pump we are going to tell her she looks beautiful.”

  Holly giggled. “Oh Sharon, we can’t do that!”

  “Oooh, wait till you see!” Denise shrieked again.

  “On second thought …” Holly looked at Sharon miserably.

  “OK, are you ready?”

  “Yes,” Sharon groaned unenthusiastically.

  “Ta-da!” She stepped out of the dressing room and Holly’s eyes widened.

  “Oh, that’s so beautiful on you,” gushed the sales assistant who had been hovering nearby.

  “Oh, stop it!” Denise cried. “You’re no help to me at all! You’ve loved every single one of them.”

  Holly looked at Sharon uncertainly and tried not to laugh at the look on her face; she looked like there was a bad smell in the air.

  Sharon rolled her eyes and whispered, “Hasn’t Denise ever heard of a thing called commission?”

  “What are you two whispering about?” Denise asked.

  “Oh, just about how pretty you look.”

  Holly frowned at Sharon.

  “Oh, do you like it?” Denise squealed again and Holly winced.

  “Yes,” Sharon said unenthusiastically.

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes.”

  “Do you think Tom will be happy when he looks down the aisle and sees me walking toward him?” Denise even practiced her walk just so the girls could imagine it.

  “Yes,” Sharon repeated.

  “But are you sure?”

  “Yes.”

  “Do you think it’s worth the money?”

  “Yes.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes.”

  “It’ll be nicer with a tan, won’t it?”

  “Yes.”

  “Oh, but does it make my bum look enormous?”

  “Yes.”

  Holly looked at Sharon startled, realizing she wasn’t even listening to the questions anymore.

  “Oh, but are you sure?” Denise carried on, obviously not even listening to the answers.

  “Yes.”

  “So will I get it?”

  Holly expected the sales assistant to start jumping up and down with excitement screaming “Yessss!” but she managed to contain herself.

  “No!” Holly interrupted before Sharon said yes again.

  “No?” Denise asked.

  “No,” Holly confirmed.
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br />   “Do you not like it?”

  “No.”

  “Is it because it makes me look fat?”

  “No.”

  “Do you not think Tom will like it?”

  “No.”

  “Do you think it’s worth the money, though?”

  “No.”

  “Oh.” She turned to face Sharon. “Do you agree with Holly?”

  “Yes.”

  The sales assistant rolled her eyes and approached another customer, hoping for better luck with her.

  “OK then, I trust you two,” Denise said, sadly taking one last look at herself in the mirror. “To be honest I wasn’t really that keen on it myself.”

  Sharon sighed and put her shoes back on. “OK Denise, you said that was the last one. Let’s go get something to eat before I drop dead.”

  “No, I meant it was the last dress I would try on in this shop. There’s loads more shops to go to yet.”

  “No way!” Holly protested. “Denise, I am starving to death and at this stage all the dresses are beginning to look the same to me. I need a break.”

  “Oh, but this is my wedding day, Holly!”

  “Yes and …” Holly tried to think of an excuse. “But Sharon’s pregnant.”

  “Oh, OK then, we’ll get something to eat,” Denise said, disappointed, and headed back to the changing room.

  Sharon elbowed Holly in the ribs. “Hey, I’m not diseased, you know, just pregnant.”

  “Oh, it’s the only thing that I could think of,” Holly said tiredly.

  The three of them trudged into Bewley’s Café and managed to grab their usual spot by the window overlooking Grafton Street.

  “Oh, I hate shopping on Saturdays,” Holly moaned, watching as people bumped and crushed one another on the busy street below.

  “Gone are the days of shopping midweek, now you’re no longer a lady of leisure,” Sharon teased, as she picked up a club sandwich and began stuffing her face.

  “I know, and I’m so tired, but I feel like I’ve earned the tiredness this time. Unlike before when I just used to stay up late watching insomniac TV,” Holly said happily.

  “Tell us about the little episode with Gerry’s parents,” Sharon said with a mouthful of food.