If You Could See Me Now Read online

  As usual, Elizabeth tried to ignore such thoughts. She tried to pretend that everything was the same as always, that there hadn’t been a shift within her, that her walls weren’t crumbling down and allowing in unwelcome guests. She didn’t want that to happen, she couldn’t deal with change.

  Eventually she focused on the only thing that remained constant and unmoving in the determined gusts. And in return, the moon kept its watchful eye on her as she eventually fell into an uneasy sleep.

  ‘Cock-a-doodle-doo!’

  Elizabeth opened one eye, confused at the sound. The room was bright. She slowly opened the other eye and saw that the sun had returned and was perched low in the cloudless blue sky, yet the trees were still dancing wildly, having a disco in the back garden.

  ‘Cock-a-doodle-doo!’

  There it was again. Feeling groggy from her sleep, she dragged herself out of bed and to the window. Out on the grass in the garden stood Ivan, hands cupped to his mouth shouting, ‘Cock-a- doodle-doo!’

  Elizabeth covered her mouth, laughing, and pushed open the window. The wind rushed in.

  ‘Ivan, what are you doing?’

  ‘This is your wake-up call!’ he shouted, the wind stealing the end of his words and taking them north.

  ‘You are crazy!’ she yelled.

  Luke appeared at her bedroom door, looking afraid. ‘What’s happening?’

  Elizabeth motioned for Luke to come to the window and he relaxed as he saw Ivan standing outside.

  ‘Hi, Ivan!’ Luke yelled.

  Ivan looked up and smiled, removed his hand from holding down his cap to wave at Luke. His cap disappeared from his head as a sudden great big gust of wind lifted it off. They laughed as they watched him chase it across the garden, dashing to and fro as the wind’s direction changed. Eventually he used a fallen branch to knock it down from a tree where it was caught.

  ‘Ivan, what are you doing out there?’ Luke yelled.

  ‘It’s Jinny Joe day!’ Ivan announced, holding his arms out to display his surroundings.

  ‘What’s that?’ Luke looked at Elizabeth, confused.

  ‘I have no idea,’ she shrugged.

  ‘What’s Jinny Joe day, Ivan?’ Luke yelled.

  ‘Come on down and I’ll show you both!’ Ivan replied, his loose clothes flapping around his body.

  ‘We’re not dressed, we’re in our pyjamas!’ Luke giggled.

  ‘Well then, get dressed! Just throw anything on, it’s six a. m., no one’s going to see us!’

  ‘Come on!’ Luke said excitedly to Elizabeth, clambering off the windowsill, running out of her room and returning minutes later with one leg in his tracksuit bottoms, an inside-out sweater on and his runners on the wrong feet.

  Elizabeth laughed.

  ‘Come on, hurry!’ he said, gasping for breath.

  ‘Calm down, Luke.’

  ‘No.’ Luke threw open Elizabeth’s wardrobe. ‘Get dressed, IT’S JINNY JOE DAY!’ he shouted with a toothless grin.

  ‘But, Luke,’ Elizabeth said uneasily, ‘where are we supposed to be going?’ She was looking for reassurance from a six-year-old.

  Luke shrugged. ‘Somewhere fun?’

  Elizabeth thought about it, saw the excitement in Luke’s eyes, felt the curiosity welling within her, went against her better judgement, threw on a tracksuit and ran outside with Luke.

  The warm wind hit her as she stepped outside, taking her breath away.

  ‘To the Bat Mobile!’ Ivan announced, meeting them at the front door.

  Luke giggled with excitement.

  Elizabeth froze. ‘Where?’

  ‘The car,’ Luke explained.

  ‘Where are we going?’

  ‘Just drive and I’ll tell you when to stop. It’s a surprise.’

  ‘No,’ Elizabeth said as if it were the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard. ‘I never get into the car unless I know exactly where I’m going,’ she huffed.

  ‘You do it every morning,’ Ivan said softly.

  She ignored him.

  Luke held the door open for Ivan and once they were all in, Elizabeth very uncomfortably set out on her journey with an unknown destination, feeling that she wanted to turn the car round at every turn and then wondering why she wasn’t.

  After driving for twenty minutes through winding roads, an agitated Elizabeth followed Ivan’s directions for the last time and pulled up outside a field that, to her, looked the same as all the others they had passed. Except this one had a view over the glistening Atlantic Ocean. She ignored the scenery and fumed in her wing mirror at the mud splashed along the side of her shining car.

  ‘Wow, what are they?’ Luke leaped forward between the two front seats and pointed out the front window.

  ‘Luke, my friend,’ Ivan announced happily, ‘they are what you call Jinny Joes.’

  Elizabeth looked up. Ahead of her were hundreds of dandelion seeds, blowing in the wind, catching the light of the sun with their white fluffy threads and floating towards the three in the car like dreams.

  ‘They look like fairies,’ Luke said in amazement.

  Elizabeth rolled her eyes. ‘Fairies,’ she tutted. ‘What books have you been reading? They’re dandelion seeds, Luke.’

  Ivan looked at her in frustration. ‘How did I know you’d say that? Well, I got you here, at least. I suppose that’s something.’

  Elizabeth looked at him in surprise. He had never snapped at her like that before.

  ‘Luke,’ Ivan turned to him, ‘they’re also known as the Irish Daisy but they’re not only dandelion seeds, they are what most normal people,’ he threw Elizabeth a nasty look, ‘call Jinny Joes. They carry wishes in the wind and you’re supposed to catch them in your hand, make your wish and then let them go so they can deliver them.’

  Elizabeth snorted.

  ‘Wow,’ Luke whispered. ‘But why do people do that?’

  Elizabeth laughed. ‘That’s my boy.’

  Ivan ignored her. ‘Hundreds of years ago people used to eat the green leaves of the dandelion plant because they are extremely high in vitamins,’ he explained, ‘which gave it its Latin name, which translates as the “official cure of all ills”. So people see them as good luck and now make their wishes on the seeds.’

  ‘Do the wishes come true?’ he asked hopefully.

  Elizabeth looked at Ivan angrily for filling her nephew’s head with false hopes.

  ‘Only the ones that are delivered properly, so who knows? Remember, even the post gets lost sometimes, Luke.’

  Luke nodded his head, understanding. ‘OK then, let’s go catch them!’

  ‘You two go on, I’ll wait here in the car,’ Elizabeth said, staring straight ahead.

  Ivan sighed. ‘Eliza—’

  ‘I’ll wait here,’ she said firmly, turning on the radio and settling down to show them she wasn’t budging.

  Luke climbed out of the car and she turned to Ivan. ‘I think it’s ridiculous that you fill his head with these lies,’ she fumed. ‘What are you going to tell him when absolutely nothing he wishes for comes true?’

  ‘How do you know it won’t come true?’

  ‘I have common sense. Something which you seem to be lacking.’

  ‘You’re right, I don’t have common sense. I don’t want to believe what every one else believes. I have my own thoughts, things that weren’t taught to me or things that I didn’t read in a book. I learn from experience – you, you are afraid to experience anything and so you will always have your common sense and only your common sense.’

  Elizabeth looked out the window, counting to ten so that she wouldn’t explode. She hated all this new-age crap; contrary to what he said, she believed it was exactly the kind of thing that could be learned only from books. Written and read by people who spent their life searching for something, anything, to take them away from the boredom that was their real life. People who had to believe that there was always more than the very obvious reason, for everything.

  ‘You
know, Elizabeth, a dandelion is also known as a love herb. Some say that to blow the seeds upon the winds will carry your love to your lover. If you blow the puff ball while making a wish and succeed in blowing off all the seeds, your wish will come true.’

  Elizabeth frowned in confusion. ‘Stop your gobbledy-gook, Ivan.’

  ‘Very well. For today, Luke and I will settle for catching Jinny Joes. I thought you always wanted to catch a wish?’ Ivan asked.

  Elizabeth looked away. ‘I know what you’re doing, Ivan and it won’t work. I told you about my childhood in the strictest of confidence. It took a lot for me to say the things I said. It wasn’t so you could turn it into some game,’ she hissed.

  ‘This is not a game,’ Ivan said quietly. He clambered out of the car.

  ‘Everything is a game to you,’ Elizabeth snapped. ‘Tell me, how is it you know so much about dandelion seeds? What exactly is the point of all your silly information?’

  Ivan leaned forward through the open door and spoke softly. ‘Well, I think it’s quite obvious that if you’re going to rely on something to carry your wishes in the wind, you might as well know where exactly it has come from and where it intends on going.’

  The door slammed shut.

  Elizabeth watched them both run to the field. ‘Then if that’s so, where exactly are you from, Ivan?’ she asked aloud. ‘And where and when do you intend going?’

  Chapter 21

  Elizabeth watched as Ivan and Luke darted around the long grass in the field, jumping and diving to catch the dandelion seeds that floated in the air like balls of feathers.

  ‘I got one!’ she heard Luke yell.

  ‘Make a wish,’ Ivan whooped.

  Luke pressed it between his hand and squeezed his eyes shut. ‘I wish that Elizabeth would get out of the car and play Jinny Joes!’ he roared. He lifted his podgy hand to the air, opened his tiny fingers slowly and released the ball to the wind, which carried it away.

  Ivan raised his eyebrows at Elizabeth.

  Luke watched the car to see if his wish came true.

  As much as Elizabeth watched his hopeful little face she couldn’t bring herself to do it – to get out of the car and make Luke believe in fairy tales, just a fancy word for lies. She wouldn’t do it. But again she watched as Luke raced around the field, holding his arms out. He caught the seed, grasped it tightly and shouted the same wish.

  Her chest tightened and her breathing quickened. They both watched her with such hope in their eyes and she felt the pressure of being relied upon. It was only a game, she tried to convince herself; all she had to do was get out of the car. But it meant more to her than that. It meant filling a child’s head with thoughts and ideas that would never happen. It meant sacrificing a moment of fun for a lifetime of disappointment. She gripped the steering wheel so tightly her knuckles were white.

  Again a joyful Luke jumped up and down, trying to catch another. He repeated his wish at the top of his lungs this time adding, ‘Please, please, please, Jinny Joe!’ Holding up his arm he looked like the Statue of Liberty and then he released the ball of seeds.

  Ivan didn’t do anything. He just stood still in the field observing it all with a look and presence Elizabeth felt so drawn to. She saw the frustration and disappointment growing in Luke’s face as he caught another, squashed it angrily between his hands and let it go with an attempt to kick it into the air.

  Already he was losing faith and she hated to be the one to be the cause of that. She took a deep breath and reached for the door handle. Luke’s face lit up and immediately began chasing more. As she walked onto the field, the fuchsias danced wildly, like spectators waving their red and purple flags to welcome a player on to the field.

  * * *

  Driving slowly by in his tractor, Brendan Egan almost drove into a ditch at the sight he saw in a faraway field. With the sparkling sea and the sun in the background he could see two dark figures dancing around in the field. One was a woman whose long black hair was being caught by the wind and wildly draped around her face and neck. She was whooping and hollering with joy as she leaped about with a young child, trying to catch the dandelion seeds that were parachuting in the wind.

  Brendan stopped the tractor and stopped breathing in shock at the familiar sight. It was as though he was seeing a ghost. His body shook as he watched in wonder and fright until a beeping behind him startled him and urged him on.

  Benjamin was driving back from Killarney at 6.30 on Sunday morning, enjoying the sea view, when a tractor in the middle of the road caused him to step on the brakes. Inside the cab was an old man with a face as white as a sheet, looking into the distance. Benjamin followed his gaze. His face broke into a smile as he spotted Elizabeth Egan dancing with a young boy in a field filled with dandelions. She was laughing and cheering, bounding about. She was dressed in a tracksuit, her hair was down, loose and blowing freely instead of being tied back severely. He hadn’t thought she had a son but he watched her lifting him up into the air, helping him to reach something and swinging him back down again. The little blond boy giggled with delight and Benjamin smiled, enjoying the sight. He could have watched her all morning but a beeping from behind startled him and as the tractor’s engine started up and moved on, they both crawled down the road slowly, still watching Elizabeth.

  Inventing imaginary men and dancing around fields at 6.30 on a Sunday morning … Benjamin couldn’t help but laugh and admire her for her fun and energy for life. She never seemed to be afraid of what anyone thought. As he continued down the winding road his view of her became clearer. On Elizabeth’s face was an expression of pure happiness. She looked like a completely different woman.

  Chapter 22

  Elizabeth felt giddy with delight as she drove back to town with Luke and Ivan. They had spent the past two hours chasing and catching what Ivan insisted she called Jinny Joes. Then when they were tired and out of breath they had collapsed in a heap in the long grass, breathing in the fresh early morning sea air. Elizabeth couldn’t remember the last time she had laughed so much. In fact, she didn’t think she had ever laughed so much in her life.

  Ivan seemed to have boundless energy, with an appetite for all things new and exciting. Elizabeth hadn’t felt excited in a very long time; it wasn’t a feeling she associated with her adult life. She hadn’t felt the tingle of anticipation in her stomach since she was a child; she hadn’t looked forward to anything so much she felt she would burst if it didn’t happen right here, right now. But being with Ivan brought all those feelings back. Time went so fast when she was with him, whether they were leaping in fields or simply sitting in each other’s company in silence, as they so often did. She always wished for time to slow down when he was there, and when he left her she always felt she wanted more. She had caught many dandelion seeds that morning and among her many wishes had been for their time spent together that day to be longer and for the wind to keep up so she could hold on to the moment, with Luke too.

  She likened it to a childhood crush, such strong, almost obsessive, feelings – but more, it had depth. She felt attracted to everything about Ivan – the way he talked, the way he dressed, the words he used, his apparent innocence yet he was filled with a deep knowledge of wise insights. He always said the right things, even when she didn’t want to hear them. The darkness lifted from the end of her tunnels and she could suddenly see beyond. When he breezed into the room he brought clarity and brightness with him. He was walking hope, and she could tell that things for her could be, not fantastic or wonderful or happily-ever-after, but that they could be OK. And that was enough for Elizabeth.

  He filled her head every moment; she recounted conversations over and over. She asked him question after question and he was always so open and honest in his answers, but then later, while lying in bed, she would realise she knew no more about him than before, despite his replies to every question. But she sensed that they were very similar beings. Two solitary people blowing around in the breeze like dandelion
seeds, carrying each other’s wishes.

  Of course she felt frightened by her feelings. Of course it went against the grain of her every belief, but as much as she tried, she couldn’t stop her heartbeat from quickening when his skin brushed against hers, she couldn’t stop herself from seeking him out when she thought he might be nearby. She couldn’t prevent him from invading her thoughts. He was welcoming himself into her arms even when they weren’t open; he was dropping by her home uninvited yet she couldn’t stop herself from opening her door time and time again.

  She was attracted to his presence, to how he made her feel, to his silences and his words. She was falling in love with him.

  On Monday morning Elizabeth found herself walking into Joe’s with a spring in her step, humming the same song she’d been humming for the last week and couldn’t seem to get out of her head. It was 8.30 and the café was crowded with tourists who had stopped for their breakfast before heading back to their coach, which would take hours to deliver them to the next stopping place. The café was noisy with chatter in German. Joe was rushing around collecting used crockery, bringing it to the kitchen and returning with plates full of Irish breakfasts that his wife had prepared.

  Elizabeth signalled to him for a coffee and he quickly nodded his head in acknowledgement, having no time for gossip today. She looked for a seat and her heart quickened at the sight of Ivan in the far corner of the room. She couldn’t control the smile that broke over her face. She felt the excitement rushing around her body as she wound her way between the tables to get to him. Elizabeth was overwhelmed by the sight of him.